Oops! I Shit My Pants.

Not literally.

However it will LITERALLY get you out of any given situation at any given time. Even Sunday (insert drum sound that is usually played after a bad joke - joke being 'Any Given Sunday' reference....Okay moving on).

Directions:

It's actually rather simple. While in mid conversation, with someone you don't want to be talking to or when you know the conversation is going to lead to a question or offer you don't want to answer, you just shout out the line 'Oops! I shit my pants!' *Please note - the term 'crap' can replace 'shit' if small children or Mormons are within earshot.

Now, while saying the line you must simultaneously gesture one hand to the under portion of your bum...and (if you like) hold it there till your exit (which is what I like to do).

Moving on to the exit. This may be the trickiest part of the procedure, as this is where you really have to sell it. After all you can't shout a line like that out then turn and swagger away with a smirk on your face. Therefore you must, do a military about face turn, then with a slight waddle walk away (remember you don't want to oversell so keep the waddle to a believable minimum). Appropriate facial gestures vary on case by case basis. As does the emphasis and level of which you verbalize the words.

Examples (just a few):

5:00pm Friday evening: Friends are all heading out to happy hour. Your boss has been numbing your ear for the last 20min about god knows what. Lucky for you, you tune back in just as you hear him setting up for 'Gotta get this project done - going to be a late night' type of line. You quickly burst the words "Oops! I shit my pants!" out of your mouth, turn and proceed to pick up your things and move on out the door.

Enter office hallway:

"So Jones"

"Ah, yes Mr. Boss"

"That Justin Bieber Flobee project is snowballing, looks like we going to...."

"Oops...I shit my pants."

Now the beauty of this move is that it will never be mentioned again. Your boss will be equally embarrassed by the said inccident and therefore bypass it, allowing you to leave. Cause I mean really, what's he going to say 'Ah well take a minute to clean up Jones and meet me back here in ten?' Doubtful, highly doubtful. Worst case scenario, you leave to enjoy your weekend and get an awkward 'Ah, about Friday's incident...everything OK Jones?' come Monday morning.

12:45pm Friday night: You made it to happy hour - and then some. Bar after bar of good times with friends yet you still haven't struck gold in the 'significant other for the evening' department. So, you make your way back to the bar for another beverage when 'captain single' mingles their way over. They have a couple of terrible pick up lines, no personalty, no friends and apparently no tooth brush. YET they have it planted in their head that you are the one person on the planet that wants to converse with them that evening. Not so much. Pull out the line and make your way to the bathroom. (In this case I suggest notifying your friends on the way to the loo so they can catch the priceless look on the 'captains' face, because it will, be priceless). Enter the bathroom, hang out for a minute, then return, collecting your friends and move on to another location, or stay there and watch the 'captain' relentlessly annoying every other human in the bar that night while cautiously avoiding eye contact with you. *Note - there is also a good chance the 'captain' may have left the bar due to said uncomfortableness. Either way, the choice is yours.

Enter close talker with gelled up hair:

"Hey, so you come here often"

"Ah no, no I don't"

"Oh - well I do"

"Cool for you"

"So I was thinking...."

"OOPS! I SHIT MY PANTS" - exit

And that my friends is just a little tip of a line you can slip in your back pocket for safe keeping. Oh and no worries, you can thank me later.

PS - A giant shout out to my girl Shalea for this one.

I Sleep With Farting Dogs

I'm pretty sure that title just about sums it up. But just to be safe, let me elaborate.

I'm house sitting.

More detail. I'm house sitting for a family that has two dogs. Two tiny, bull like black and white dogs. You know that kind that grunt and snort instead of coughing or barking. Yeah, those kind.

They're sorta cute little fellas, or rather ladies, as they greet me daily and follow me around the antique mansion making me feel loved and appreciated (if even its only faked until they're fed). But I think it's the sense of security they give me while staying in the oversize home that made me take a liking to them, after all sleeping in a new place all by your lonesome can be slightly haunting at times.

Now, I was told by the owner of the home that the dogs would 'sleep with me' as they usually join her and her husband nightly at the foot of the bed. Therefore you can imagine the hurt I felt when the sun set on the first night and I found myself sleeping alone. Not even dogs will spilt the covers with me? Brutal.

Right, so moving on to night number two. They made their move and I couldn't have felt more flattered. They liked me! They really liked me! As I switched off the lights and snuggled under the covers the two dogs tucked themselves confidently in next to me.
Note: They did not, however, fall to rest at the foot of the bed, but rather they burrowed under the covers creating a makeshift tunnel under the comforter until choosing their final resting place.

This was new to me, for growing up our dog was never allowed upstairs let alone allowed to sleep in the same bed as us. Yet, as the easy going lady I am, I went with it, adjusting my sleeping position and drifting off into dream land.

12:34AM - Just as I was hitting the E cycle of R.E.M...I awoke to a scent. An unpleasant scent. The scent of gas, not natural gas or gasoline, but canine gas. It was horrifying and smothering ME as it had soaked into the sheets that tucked me in. GOD DAMN how could such a tiny animal create a stench of such horror! Shoot, I was just Dutch Oven'd by a freaking dog! (Which one dropped the bomb is still in speculation.) It seemed like hours before the smell drifted away... And actually I'm not positive it ever did as when I awoke around 4:43AM another stench held the air captive. REALLY???!

Fast forward to night 5. I cannot out smart the bitches. Diet changes only worsen the issues, closing the door to sleep alone only leads to nails scratching on the door/barking all night and sleeping with a pillow over my face only leads to near suffocation, and really, there is only so much a ceiling fan can do. Therefore, I sleep, night after night, with farting dogs.

Jealous, aren't ya?