Tuesday, May 17, 2011
A few days ago, being the stellar 30 year old that I am, I snuggled up on my friends sofa for a 'sleepover' aka ' I can't afford gas to drive back n forth across town so I'm sleeping on a sofa to cut out some morning driving/gas cost'. By 11:20pm on Friday night I was on the fast track to R.E.M. and couldn't be more excited. However, my fun Friday night was ruined when at approximately 11:35pm her roommate walked in.
Her roommate whom we will name Boy B, moved out to Hollywood 3yrs ago to become an actor, stands about 6 feet tall, carries a slim tight build and the ego of Tom Cruise. To date, he has done nothing to further his acting career, unless of course you consider taking a catering gig for hip Hollywood parties a career 'game changer' like he does.
So in he walks, after throwing back a few with some of his buddies. He is buzzed and immediately starts chatting my ear off about his last catering gig. Awesome. He yaps away about serving a table of no bodies while Jennifer Lopez and Eve Mendes shared secrets at table across the room. Which in his mind of course means that they were at the same party.
In mid story he breaks to hit up the kitchen and grab a drunk munchie. This guys drunk munchie of choice is a banana. Really a f*cking banana? Douche.
Moving on, he rambles on about how he bumped into Tom Cruises' chair and watched Brad Pitt eat his diner. He couldn't take any pictures because it was a 'super high level' security party and they had to leave their cell phones at their 'home base'. He did however, manage to sneak out with a dirty napkin wiped by the mouth of Brad Pitt and a name card written out to none other than his bumping buddy, Tom Cruise.
After about what seemed like an eternity, this name dropping tale came to an end...with the dirty napkin being placed in my hand for proof. I thanked Boy B for sharing the details of his budding career and started to pull the blanket back over my head when he continued.
Boy B: "Jeanine, I'm not sure how to ask you this, but, uh, are you, are you wearing a retainer?"
Boy B:"Uh, and (haha clear throat) you're ok with that? I mean your comfortable wearing a retainer in public?"
Me: "Yes Boy B, I am, I'm thirty sleeping on a sofa, wearing a t-shirt from 1999, and am wearing a retainer, and as shocking as it may be, I am perfectly comfortable with that" (clearly I've been 'living the dream' for too long now).
Boy B: "Huh, Wow! I mean, I'm just, wow a retainer! Right now, While I'M Standing HERE talking to you!...... Nah, you know what....Good for you!"
Me: " : ) Gee thanks Boy B"
...Meanwhile my inner monologue is screaming: 'Really? Really? You drunk banana eating douche bag. Yes I am wearing a retainer because clearly I care more about my straight teeth than any opinion you may ever form of me and secondly, since when did sitting on a sofa listening to you name drop about how you picked up dirty buffet plates become 'in public'...ps button you f*ing shirt up, nobody wants to see you bald chest, no body'.
Yes I wear a retainer. It's preventative.