Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Sing It Loud, Sing It Proud...

For those of you who don't know, which most of all my 11 followers do, I happen to have a certain 'knack' shall we say for singing. Now, I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am or ever was a singer, however I can carry a pretty catchy tune and make sweet melodies when it comes to karaoke.

That said, with the recent 'boom' of shows like Glee and Smash my once subdued urge to voice my talent was awakened. A few nights when entering in on my roommate watching Glee I would assume the position in front of the TV redirecting them, as well as myself, in a valient effort to better the version of whatever pop song they were rendering their own. Other times, I'd find myself competing for the role of 'Marilyn' along with whatever those two actresses’ names are in Smash. Needless to say, it was becoming apparent that I was truly gifted with song.

After little consideration I realized there was only one thing to do. Go for it. I started looking into voice coaches, for even though I knew I had the talent, I really wanted to fine tune my 'skills' before going pro. So I approach a co-worker that has spent many a year on tour with notable (hit) singers as well as good number of years showing off on Broadway for a vocal coach suggestion. She supported my decision to go for it but also pointed out the fact that the coaches in 'her circle' would cost me roughly $300-500 per hour. Ouch I thought. I mean I was ready, but not for that penny. She then went into a spiral of song conversation asking politely and encouragingly what 'range' and 'key' I sang in. I responded with a clear and confident 'Uh...ya know I'm not really sure. BUT I can say that I can knock The Little Mermaid's, "Part Of Your World" out of the park!' With shocking delight she was floored! "Gosh that is tough song! All those octaves... etc. etc. etc." I continued to sit smiling and confide in her that while I had no clue as to what she spoke of, that song was in my soul and I could sell the hell out of it! (Along with numerous others.)

Fast forward to three weeks later. After deciding not to pinch (made up) pennies for a pro coach and to not trust the lady offering the $19 deal on groupon, I was still vocal coach less and hungry. Then, as the universe would have it, my agent, bless her heart, sent me an email for a casting. Her email read 'see below, if you're into this reply direct'. Upon scrolling down I could hardly believe my eyes when I read that the casting was for a karaoke game show! Was I into this? Um, did Elvis die on a toilet? I mean come on, this was perfect! I would get on the show, sing my heart of gold out, win a nice lump sum of cash and most likely get discovered (and therefore drop said agent...I mean game show castings? Really?) So I replied direct, confirmed my audition slot and started rehearsal my top  karaoke tunes.

Quick rewind. In high school and years both prior and past, it had been brought to my knowledge that I did not in fact have the 'voice of an angel' as I had once thought. In fact, during karaoke sessions my friends would hold the microphone leaving me to have to poke my head through their shoulders trying to get my vocals over the airwaves...while another time I had been threatened by an extremely caring group of male roommates, saying that they would "lock me in the cellar if I started singing". I tested that threat once and later that night was awake with nightmares of the cellar. But, hey, what did they know!?!

Back to game time. Friday afternoon at approximately 2pm I proudly strolled into my (group) audition. I was fully loaded with the lyrics of "Faith" by George Michael, the classic fist pumping Bon Jovi tune "Shot through the heart" and 80's hit '"I think we're alone now" by whatever that redhead's name was that used to open for New Kids On The Block. I was in it to win it!

I took my seat amongst 12 other hopefuls. I sat quietly, sucking on my Halls cough drop, saving my voice while they chattered with their tales from the sound booth. After growing tired of all their chatter and putting up with a few of them 'warming up' finally asked, "What, all you like singers or something? " 99% of them nodded yes and proceeded to share bits about their 'once upon a time' stories. Whatever, I thought, it’s a game show, I'm hilarious, talented and charismatic and soon to be a 'pro' as well. I got this.

We were told to volunteer to 'go next' and so I did. The second slot came around and I jumped up ready to rock (as first is the worse and second is the best). The casting agent asked me what I was going to sing (and a bit about myself) I told her "Faith", she giggled and asked if was going to do the 'jean hip shake' along with it. "Of course" I stated. Duh.

And so I sang (a capella mind you). I sang, with emotion. I sang, with fierceness. I sang, I snapped, I clapped, I got the other contestants to clap and snap, I shook my hips covered by jeans all while the fresh menthol sent of my breath filled that conference room of 13 strangers with song. I sang and I nailed it. I mean really, how could I not? That performance along with the hilarious quirky antidote’s about my life that I shared? I was game show GOLD!

I returned to my seat, pleased, and listened to the others perform their 'one day I'll make it tunes'. Most of them were slow, boring ballads and had the annoying quality of thinking they were hilariously interesting, however they were extremely talented. Still my confidence sat high as I knew I had 'it' factor they were looking for.

After the final eight counts, the casting director left the room to discuss with her partner, whom I can only assume was judging us through the glass. She reentered with the phrase 'If I call your name, we would like you to stay, if I don't call your name, please don't take it personally, we know what we are looking for, we are looking for fun, outgoing, healthy, good singers and better, you don’t have to be Christina Aguilera but we still need you to be able to carry a tune. So again, please, don't take it personally.' I looked around the room knocking out the other contestants with my eyes and thankful that I parked in the garage with two hours to spare.

Moments later, I was in the elevator when one of the guys looked at me a said  "Dont take it personally."



Thursday, June 7, 2012

Expert Advice

Maybe it's just me, but lately it seems that everyone is suddenly is an expert on well, everything (especially our near and dear reality TV stars). Apparently losing five pounds, serving up some tasty chicken wings or surviving a divorce gives you the right to deem yourself an 'expert' and therefore write your 'tell all' 'advice' book and sell it to the masses.

I don't know, maybe its the economic conditions that we are living in that are pushing people to become authors when they really should just stick to being...annoying. And perhaps that same economic condition is responsible for the mass amounts of people that are spending their piggy bank money on some book about a washed up celebrities 'come back' after their terrible marriage that left them with only two million dollars to survive, or the 'how to' books by the extremely talented reality stars who whined, drank, pulled, cried and faked their way to fame. Whatever the reason for this sudden uprise, I have to say (in my own loudmouth expert blog) that I'm not only sick and tired of it, but I'm pretty strongly offended by it. ESPECIALLY the new to shelves, hopeful top seller book pictured below.


Now...I mean, really? 'I Can Make You Hot!' Ugh. Just ugh. (For those of you who don't know this 'hottie' was/is a hot mess of a 'celebrity' on the outstanding TV show, 'The Real Housewives of New York'). 

The thing is, shouldn't you at least be required to BE hot before you can post your guarantee to make others hot on a hard back? Sure to the naked eye this picture may make her seem decent, but ditch the airbrushing and overworked face and well, you wouldn't be left with hot, at least not in my book, maybe someone that used to be hot, but not so much now.

How about credentials shouldn't they be a factor? I guess not when you can spit out thrilling top secret advice such as: "HOT is cool!...
So how do you get HOT!? By eating well, sleeping well and exercising daily." Wow. I feel hotter already.

In closing, I beg of you, do your research before buying these 'expert advice books' or better yet, save your money and go for a walk instead of laying on your couch or throw some random spices on that chicken wing or even, find the inner hotness in you by just glimpsing in the mirror and giving yourself a little wink and smile (cause you're good enough, smart enough and doggone it, people like you). Do all this until of course, I write my expert advice book, which you should promptly purchase when the time arrives. 'Nobody to expert in 90 days'...huh, has a ring to it.