Let Me Look At You

Today my agent called me in for a commercial audition for a sex toy company, yes a sex toy company. I was asked to audition for the role of the 'Kitty, the Kooky girl that awkwardly hits on the hot guy that rejects her', lucky for me, I have years experience in that field so it was a piece of cake.

Now, after nailing my audition, pun intended, I stopped in to say goodbye to my agent and this is how a polite 'thanks bye!' went down. "Let me look at you?...Hm, yeah, that's it!" Puzzled, I responded with "I'm sorry??" She continued... "You have no chin. In your pictures you have a chin, a pointy little chin that sticks out, but in person you don't. YOU have an OVAL face, a perfectly oval head actually, no chin..." Shocked I responded with (while stroking my jaw line) "Well I have put on a few pounds so maybe..." Agent "Nope, that's not it, your weight, it's your chin, you are oval. It almost looks like you shaved the sides of your hair to make your face look wider. . . . Call me next week so we can set up a time for you to get some new shots that represent what you really look like. Perfectly OVAL face..Oh and those cheekbones 'cheerokee cheekbones' need specific lighting, we'll need to be careful with that."

As if that wasn't lovely enough, after she ceased making remarks said agent leaned back in her chair, pointed, starred and laughed "Ha! You're like my agent just told me I have an oval head! Haha."

She was correct. I was in fact standing there like 'WTF? My agent just told me I have no chin and an oval head? Really? Oval? Oval face? That's me? Really? What does that even mean? And seriously, you couldn't think of another way to phrase that?' ... ' Cheerokee? I'm a f-ing Polish Irish blend!'

Thanks for the F-ing sex toy audition.
Signing off, Oval Face Kooky Girl

They

Anyone know who 'they' are?

Just curious, cause 'they' seem to know a lot... And I've based a lot of my life off of the knowledge 'they' have provided.

So it would be nice to know who 'they' are, just saying.

Pet Peeves

Recently I was asked to make a list of my top pet peeves, for what is not important. After making and reviewing the list I started to pay more attention to the people that surround me as well as myself. And it was then that I noticed I'm an active participant in some of my very own pet peeves.

Therefore, I've decided to get a roommate. I mean cause really, who I am suppose to blame for not doing dishes or closing cabinet doors...clearly not myself.

Hey 80's! It's been awhile, good to see you?

While dressing this morning I took a moment, or few, to roll (or cuff whichever you prefer) the bottom of my jeans. A task that was a little more difficult and took more precision than I remembered, after all it's been oh say twenty some years since my last rolling.

That said, it was then, in mid re-roll of the left leg that if occurred to me, I was regressing back to a fashion style I swore I would never revisit. To top it off, upon finishing two perfect cuffs I stood up and caught the reflection of my baggy off-the-shoulder t-shirt in the mirror. Yikes! 80's how did you get in here!

It seems like only yesterday I going through old photo albums (remember those - the kind with the sticky cellophane type pages that you actually had to physically insert pictures in vs hitting a button labeled 'upload') thinking to myself 'Sweet Jesus who let me dress like that! Never again, never ever again! ' The 80's is one fashion decade that I'm glad to have said a final goodbye ...or so I thought.

Ripped denim, rolled denim, off the shoulder tees, colored tights, color hoop earrings, vest (ok maybe that was more early 90's) skinny headbands and fluffy skirts, hammer pants....and dare I say, shoulder pads? Ugh its everywhere! And it's 2010! Have we not learned our lesson people? Apparently not. OR maybe we have, but are just lazier than ever...I mean who needs to create new ideas when we can just reuse old ones.

Don't believe me? Just take a trip out to your local shopping center and you'll see the young people of today sporting such trends or just check out the pic below....

(Yes, those photos are from 2010)

Sadly, if you're like me, you've tried to fight it, but before you know it your buying t-shirt with a catch phrase logo on the front and rolling your jeans or throwing on a pair of tights under your dress as if its a natural instinct. Personally, I blame the lack of options and well the paparazzi, cause why not. Although...I guess in someways it is rather helpful, I mean due to the state of our economy we can now 'roll' out some of those items of clothing that have been hidden in our attics (since we couldn't bear to part with) and rock them.

Gee I can't wait to look back at my pictures saved to my hard drive and declare 'Who let me wear that! What was I thinking!' ...Oh world of fashion, won't we ever learn.

Oh and PS Kayne - Hate to break it to you...you didn't invent the colored block shutter shades, the 80's did. But they say thanks for representing.

Oh...You're Adopted?

Once upon a time I was subleasing a fabulous apartment in Venice Beach. This two bedroom one bath cosy bungalow, tucked a block away from the main drag in town came with a Roommate. An interesting fella with a random work schedule, random drinking habit and a random set of guest always swinging by...yet kind none the less.

One set of random guest was his father and brother. Much like he, they were nice people, nice people that lived with us for three days.

Day two of their stay Father Roommate decided to whip up a dish in the kitchen, sadly I was on my way out, therefore missing the delicious dish, however I did have time to take part in some light conversation before leaving. So we did.

We chatted about where I was going, what I do, where I'm from....then about what he was cooking, what he does and where he's from. It was around that moment that the Roommate entered the kitchen. He chimed in regarding the 'where's he's from' question and offered a quick tale of growing up there. Then silence hit. In retrospect I should have said a polite 'nice talking to you enjoy your dinner' and moved on, however for some unknown reason I felt the need to indulge in another comment.

"Wow, ya know, you two really look so much alike! Like it's almost crazy how much you both look alike!!!"

Blank stares in return.

Cue Roommate "....Uh...I'm adopted"

"What?! No you're not, look at you two!"

Cue Roommate and Father Roommate "Uh yes"

"Really?...Oh...huh...(awkward smile)....how about that...well I got to get going..."

Looking back, I do (vaguely) remember Roommate telling me he was adopted upon my moving in. Would have been pretty awesome to have remembered that.

Dear College,

To all those professors, advisors, adminstrators and loan granters - I'm requesting a refund. Yup, that's right, a refund.

You see, I spent 5 years (yes 5 and NO I'm not a DR. or Lawyer, just really fun, curious spirit) studying various courses to gain my bachelors degree, and though I live the life of a bachelor...ette... I'm finding very little use of all of those other 'skills' I've learned. I've been in the 'real world' (sans MTV) for over 5 years now and so far have yet to use any of the following:

Chemistry - sorry not really mixing anything besides drinks these days = refund

Interpersonal communications - single, therefore = refund

Writing for the Tech Professional - you mean texting? Okay, I'll let that one slide.

Science Foundations - it'd be one thing if we were talking humans here, but plasma and plankton - really? = refund

Space Law - if I remember correctly this wasn't about 'roommates' sooo = refund

Public Relations - everything I'm learning on Facebook for FREE = refund

Conflict Managment -
Journalism - (again) everything I'm writing on here for FREE = refund

Mathematics Foundations - still paying you for nothing of 'worth' sooo = refund.

Some courses that would have been useful:

Dream Deflation 101 and 201

Traffic flow and diversion

Starbucks 101

Shipping and Receiving

Dealing with douche bags

Emergency Road Care

Dealing with Debt 101, 201, 301, 401, 501

Guest for weddings 101

Where Your Rent Money Goes: Lecture

(...just to name a few)

So, in conclusion - college I demand a refund. I mean sure some experiences I had while there were 'priceless' but really, I can barely remember those. Soooo feel free starting sending the money back, I accepted cashier checks (sorry no personal checks), travelers checks, paypal, money orders and rolls of quarters.

Best Regards,

Jeanine Peters

Oops! I Shit My Pants.

Not literally.

However it will LITERALLY get you out of any given situation at any given time. Even Sunday (insert drum sound that is usually played after a bad joke - joke being 'Any Given Sunday' reference....Okay moving on).

Directions:

It's actually rather simple. While in mid conversation, with someone you don't want to be talking to or when you know the conversation is going to lead to a question or offer you don't want to answer, you just shout out the line 'Oops! I shit my pants!' *Please note - the term 'crap' can replace 'shit' if small children or Mormons are within earshot.

Now, while saying the line you must simultaneously gesture one hand to the under portion of your bum...and (if you like) hold it there till your exit (which is what I like to do).

Moving on to the exit. This may be the trickiest part of the procedure, as this is where you really have to sell it. After all you can't shout a line like that out then turn and swagger away with a smirk on your face. Therefore you must, do a military about face turn, then with a slight waddle walk away (remember you don't want to oversell so keep the waddle to a believable minimum). Appropriate facial gestures vary on case by case basis. As does the emphasis and level of which you verbalize the words.

Examples (just a few):

5:00pm Friday evening: Friends are all heading out to happy hour. Your boss has been numbing your ear for the last 20min about god knows what. Lucky for you, you tune back in just as you hear him setting up for 'Gotta get this project done - going to be a late night' type of line. You quickly burst the words "Oops! I shit my pants!" out of your mouth, turn and proceed to pick up your things and move on out the door.

Enter office hallway:

"So Jones"

"Ah, yes Mr. Boss"

"That Justin Bieber Flobee project is snowballing, looks like we going to...."

"Oops...I shit my pants."

Now the beauty of this move is that it will never be mentioned again. Your boss will be equally embarrassed by the said inccident and therefore bypass it, allowing you to leave. Cause I mean really, what's he going to say 'Ah well take a minute to clean up Jones and meet me back here in ten?' Doubtful, highly doubtful. Worst case scenario, you leave to enjoy your weekend and get an awkward 'Ah, about Friday's incident...everything OK Jones?' come Monday morning.

12:45pm Friday night: You made it to happy hour - and then some. Bar after bar of good times with friends yet you still haven't struck gold in the 'significant other for the evening' department. So, you make your way back to the bar for another beverage when 'captain single' mingles their way over. They have a couple of terrible pick up lines, no personalty, no friends and apparently no tooth brush. YET they have it planted in their head that you are the one person on the planet that wants to converse with them that evening. Not so much. Pull out the line and make your way to the bathroom. (In this case I suggest notifying your friends on the way to the loo so they can catch the priceless look on the 'captains' face, because it will, be priceless). Enter the bathroom, hang out for a minute, then return, collecting your friends and move on to another location, or stay there and watch the 'captain' relentlessly annoying every other human in the bar that night while cautiously avoiding eye contact with you. *Note - there is also a good chance the 'captain' may have left the bar due to said uncomfortableness. Either way, the choice is yours.

Enter close talker with gelled up hair:

"Hey, so you come here often"

"Ah no, no I don't"

"Oh - well I do"

"Cool for you"

"So I was thinking...."

"OOPS! I SHIT MY PANTS" - exit

And that my friends is just a little tip of a line you can slip in your back pocket for safe keeping. Oh and no worries, you can thank me later.

PS - A giant shout out to my girl Shalea for this one.