Taking the Hint from Hollywood

So I've been in LA doing the whole 'acting' thing for little while now and the hint from Hollywood is finally sinking in. As a coping mechanism and to provide the answer to the always pressing question of 'Why aren't you famous yet?' I thought I'd lay out a list of examples.

Example A - Head shots
I finally decided to get my head shots taken. I met with the photographer and we were deciding which 'looks' I should go with. Within seconds the phrase immediately spouted out of her mouth "Well your definitely not the hot girl so we won't wast time going for that." Ummm...huh...ok, thanks. I'm pretty aware that I'm not going to land a Victoria Secrets fashion show tomorrow, but really lady? Brutal. Finally we settled on the 'girl next door' look - clearly I'm referring to the girl in suburban neighborhood and not the one dating Hugh Hefner.

Example B - Agent and Manager
Yes! I have an real commercial agent! This is it, its happening! First audition I'm sent out on is for Kellogg's Special K cereal. I was pumped! That was until I read the breakdown aka description of the character they were looking for: young mom type who needs to lose 6 pounds. Really? Ouch.
- In addition -
Right around the same time I met with a manager and he signed me! He said 'there was just something about me and though I was a little old for being new to the game, he had to trust his gut'. Well apparently his gut also told him that I shouldn't eat as much, for when we were going over my resume he told me to knock off a few pounds of my listed weight. I responded that I had already done so and didn't want to get 'too far' off my real weight as it would clearly be obvious when I walked in the room and wasn't a size 2. In return, he pressed on for me to drop at least five pounds of my already light listed weight and, and I quote, "maybe just make a promise to yourself to do something active everyday" ......and that number we just rewrote will no longer be a lie. Got it. Nice buddy. At least have the balls to tell to get my ass back on the treadmill and to lay off the booze.
Update - I'm currently seeking new management.


Example C - Booked it
Finally, I booked a job. A play, a children's play, but still its a job and I was performing theater in Hollywood! There were various animal roles in the play including: Ostrich, Bird, Giraffe, Snake, Fish, Monkey...out of all these I landed the roles of Whale and Momma Elephant. So out of all the roles and the cast of three guys and a girl, I was cast as the male whale and the momma elephant. Awesome. (In hindsight I did have a 7yr old tell me I was the best Whale she had ever seen. So slip that in your back pocket.)

Example D - Training
They say acting is just like a sport, you have to practice to keep the 'muscle warm' so I recently found a new class to help me stay warm. Overall its a great class, each actor has equal time on the floor and good scenes to work with all taught by a challenging director. While trying to kill a little down time at work I asked a co-worker to go over my lines with me. To my delight he obliged. We starting reading. All was going well till we hit the middle of the second page and he exclaimed "Jesus I have all the lines!" ... at first I thought nothing of it then I reflected on past scenes I had been assigned...less lines...in fact a week ago in a workshop my part only required facial expression. Huh, so I guess not even paying for a class guarantees that you get to practice being the leading lady. Lovely.


To sum it all up, I would just like to say, I get it Hollywood. I get it. I'm not your typical, I've lived off only Starbucks and cigarettes for the past year, hot blonde, let my boobs hang out so I can get the good lines actress. I get it, I'm not. I'm also not the kin of some Hollywood hot shot who can make a phone call for me. But guess what bitches...I got charisma...and talent....and the eye of the tiger...and I'm not going anywhere. So how you like me now?