Camouflaging Clumsy

Ever since birth I was, what 'they' call, a clumsy child. On most occasions, walking, not just running, lead to catastrophe. Whether it tripping over the side walk and scraping on my knees, over my two feet and allowing the scoring run to rush by or just blindly walking into a parking meter, I was always one small step away from wearing a helmet. Hell, I wasn't even safe at home, as I used to walk into our dinning room wall, which according to the four other family members that lived their, never moved (I still beg to differ). 

As if that wasn't embarrassing enough, my clumsiness didn't stop at tripping. It 'spilled' over into dropping fragile items...and have them shatter in my knee (therefore needing stitches), knocking over freshly poured bowls of cereal (the dog always loved that one) wasting my breakfast and of course ruining every light colored shirt that graced by boddess...especially the time I looked up to the sky while holding a (without a top) cup of coca-cola in my mouth (apparently my brain didn't process long enough to think of removing the cup I was biting onto before lifting my chin to chase the glimpse of a balloon) ...my white shirt quickly transformed into tan and I walked around the rest of the day sporting a sticky go tee. The bees loved it.

But that was years ago! Surely my childhood clumsiness would be outgrown by now...at the ripe age of 30. Sadly that's not the case. Just ask my former roommate why she started with a delightfully expensive set of 12 wine glasses and ended up with a mere 3 of them. (Apparently washing dishes also equals crushing dishes in my book.) Oops. And take a look at my hands on any given day and you'll be sure to find a random, scrap, cut, scratch, bump, bruise or burn upon them. Or sometimes even my face for that matter, as just last month I walked the earth with a black eye I gave myself while doing laundry. Impossible....one would think.

In a New Years resolution effort to mask my clumsiness, since clearly I can't control it, I have been focusing on properly caring for my injuries in attempt to hide and rapidly heal them (and to avoid too many 'what happen now?!).  So when I received a slice to my thumb while at work today (handing out samples of free food...not sure how that happen...the job or the cut...) I quickly removed myself from the scene and looked for a band-aid. Of course, as my luck would have it, the only band-aids available were 'camouflage' color; and not a 'skin tone camouflage' color, but rather 'I'm fighting a war in the middle of a damp jungle camouflage'. So to add insult to injury, I spent the rest of my shift providing information about how I sliced the side of my thumb open while opening a thin cardboard box of plastic gloves (safe for children ages 3+), rather than pulling focus to my the task at hand, the free food. Pretty sure my boss was pleased.

Needless to say, yes, I am still clumsy. However, in a effort to continue on my new positive thinking path (another New Years resolution), its nice to know some things never change. Ever.

Unemployed? Not Anymore!

As we all know the job market has been a rough place lately. Many of us have found it hard to find jobs that fit our skill set and pay enough to well, pay the bills. I have been one of those people, searching continuously for a job that is skilled enough, for me ; ), will hire me and of course pay me.

Today, this Saturday in February I search no more. Thanks to a friends posting on Facebook I've found my dream job (well, sixth on the list). My application has been sent and I'm pretty pretty sure I'm a shoe in for this position...once I fulfill my weapon collection of course. Duh.

While I know it's temping, please resist applying to avoid competition, as I really really REALLY want to be the employee of a guy that still rocks a flat top (bonus mullet) hair cut. Thanks for your cooperation and I'll be in touch when I'm back...from back in time!

Goodness Gracious, Great Balls of Cheese!

Going back to my 'roots' is great for many reasons, seeing my family, my friends, my stomping ground, but most importantly chowing down on my hometown grub.

Being from Philadelphia there are many delicious delicacy's that my taste buds desire while home. The classic cheese steak, soft pretzel, tastykakes, wings, crab fries and of course any product made by the UTZ company. Now, unfortunately, due to the fact that I'm a 'Glutard' aka gluten intolerant...suffer from Celiac Disease, many of the Philly classics I previously listed are off my menu (BOOOOO).

Therefore, at times (like this past trip) I sometimes go a bit....hmm shall I say, overboard on the products that I can eat. And the UTZ Cheese Ball (clearly labeled at GLUTEN FREE) is one of those products. I'm not sure if it's the 'made from real cheese' taste, or that they melt in your mouth if not chewed within 2 seconds of entry, or the air pocket crunch, or the fact 32 balls counts as ONE serving, but no matter what it is, I can't get enough. (Hence the purchase Costco size barrel of them).

At first ashamed, but now loud and proud I'd like to provide a picture of the damage that was done in a mere 2 days (actually one drunken night and hungover morning). Rumor has it that at one time I placed a whopping 18 cheese balls in my mouth trying to capture the 'honor' of being able to 'put the most cheese balls in my mouth.' But sadly I was beat out by a childhood friend that proudly shoved in 23. Now that's amazeballs! Still, my head is held high knowing that I digested my body weigh in cheese balls that night/morning.

So my friends, if ever in the Philadelphia region, I highly recommend picking yourself up a bag or barrel of the infamous UTZ Cheese Balls...made with 'Real Cheese'...or so they claim. Note - I've edited the picture ubove to make it a smidgen blurry with a strong back light, so that you may get the true sense of just how heavenly these balls are. You are welcome...enjoy.

Safety First

If there is one thing my Dad taught me it was 'SAFETY FIRST.' Meaning that in any given situation, at any given time, the first and most important thing you should do is to 'assest the safety' of the situation. Check out your environment, locate the nearest emergency exit, scan by passers, remain calm, fight to the death when being attacked and ALWAYS keep a distance of 'Four Feet' in between you and the person you are conversing with (therefore remaining out of arms reach...so to avoid being attacked).

That said, while making my way to the airport baggage claim this evening after a grueling six hour long flight, which I walked off carrying the odor of someone else's farts, I was surveilling (if you would) my surroundings. And though the latest security updates and procedures while traveling can be a bit of a hassle to us common folk, I gotta say, I truly do support them and their efforts to keep our country and Boeing 747's safe...I mean what better way to spend our tax dollars than by having a few extra pat downs in the boarding line to prevent in-flight crime...that was until I stumbled upon this...just a few airport security officers hard at work.

*I felt super safe knowing the airport was able to call in Officer 'Texter' Dee & Officer 'Texter' Dumb for the 'extra hands on deck' shift.

But then I kept thinking... and thinking and I mean Really? Is there no other place you could go to text while on the job...no Southwest A,B,C boarding or flight info screen you could pop behind? Were ALL the stalls were full in the men's room?  And, let me guess...they're making overtime due to the late hour of the evening. Super.

Goodnight, and Good Luck.

* = heavy sarcasm

...Just My Life

I gotta admit, this past week, was a good week. Four auditions and an improv show to boot...of which all of two people were in attendance. Score!

Moving on. Audition numero quatro, was pretty intense, as it was be to part of a upcoming game show on a newly popular network. And while I'm sworn to secrecy about the 'details' of said show, I'm not sworn to secrecy on the happenings during the audition.

Step one: Arrive and pick up a clip board, holding a sticker number to...stick to your chest and a FIVE page questionnaire regarding the happenings of your life and current situation.

Step two: Wait. Wait, and while doing so judge all others that are waiting with you. Weeding out the 'wacko's n' wierdo's', 'sure to get it's' and 'must know someone's' all while holding your breath in hopes that you'll be called next before your meter runs out and you get a parking ticket that will eat up half your paycheck. . . and also because the room is small and apparently personal hygiene is an option these days.

Step three: Get called back...by the 'Mr Cranky, I don't really have time for you but I have to make time since I make my money off of picking people, like you that the producers will like for their show, Pants' casting director.  On the walk back to the audition room, small talk is attempted...and failed. Super.

Step Four: Audition/Interview commences, the following are some highlights from this interview:

Casting Director: "Ok tell me about yourself and something that I wouldn't know just by looking at you, and make it something good, not just like your a lawyer or something, something interesting"

Me: "Um...ok...Jeanine P...yadayada...Philly...yadayada...allergic to gluten"

CD: *Sigh of boredom

Me: "Oh! I used to dress up like an animal and walk on stilts, well actually 5 different animals and dance on stilts, not just walk. I also hosted pub crawls in Germany, and beach activities in Mexico"

CD: *Attention Grab "Um..what? Oookkaayy THATS's totally random...Ok well what about work? What do you do for a living?"

Me: "Ha. Good question....Well I guess you could say teach Piloxing part-time..."

CD: "Piloxing, what's that? I've never heard of it?"

Me: "Yeah, no one ever has, that's why it's only part time" (I do a few moves) "I also walk dogs, well I actually 'dogsit' more than I walk them, but I'm looking into getting more dog-walking clients...OH! You don't have a dog do you???"

CD: Unsure of what is going on and trying to compose himself. "No, no I don't sorry. . . um so what about your dating life? Single, dating, married, divorced?"

Me: "Well, I guess I'd have to say single....trying to date, but not really, though I did just fly to Holland for a second date, so I guess you could say 'dating'"

CD: "I'm sorry what?"

Me: " Dating, I guess that's what I am"

CD: "No, no, the second date in Holland? I mean how does that even happen?"

Me: "Oh that? Yeah, I don't know, it just did. We met, went on a date, then he had to go back to Holland, cause that's where he is from...so then he (A Dutch Cop) flew me out there"

CD: "Ok...lol...cause that's normal. So you just hopped on a flight for a date?"

Me: "Well, yeah, ...of course I did my research... And for a while my mom was nervous he would try to sell me to the Sex Trade, but then she came to the realization that the Sex Trade doesn't want anyone of my 'age' so then it became an issue of 'what if he wants you to smuggle drugs?'  but I told her that I watch a lot of 'Locked Up Abroad' so I know how to handle myself just in case a 'drug smuggling' situation should have arise...she advised me to only pack things I could leave behind and then, was ok with it. I just figured, why the hell not"

CD: "OMG. Wow." Wiping his brow. "So, have you been on a TV show, game show, anything in the past two years?"

Me: "Yikes,..yes, yes I have..."

CD: "Oh :(...Well then..."

Me: "But I mean, I was dressed in a chicken suit, so you couldn't see my face, so no one really knew it was me!!! Oh and then I did an episode of Millionaire Matchmaker in '09 that still haunts me even though I was kicked off in the first 5 min"

CD: Shocked. "Well, ok then. I need a cocktail, hell I need one for you. I mean how does all this just happen???"

Me: "I don't know, It's just my life"

CD: Laughs out loud in disbelief

My fingers are still crossed...I mean, sure its been a week and I still haven't heard from them, but I'm pretty sure I nailed that one! Score AGAIN!!!

Living the Dream: The Glamorous Life

For the past five years I've been 'Living The Dream' as they say, though I prefer the phrase 'Chasing the Dream'. Either way, it's been quite an experience, with many ups and downs...and downs. But I think my favorite part of 'Living the Dream' out here in LA is the 'image' everyone tags onto your life. "WOW! You live in Los Angeles!? That's So COOL! Do you hang out with celebrities? You must just be at the beach everyday and in the 'hot' clubs every night!"

I used to combat these statements, offering proof of how wrong they absolutely were, I mean 'Living' and 'Chasing a Dream' are two very different things. One involves making millions for having your own show on a network and jet setting around the world on the weekends...while the other involves working numerous odd jobs (one including scooping up dog sh*t) just to scrape together enough change for gas (let alone shopping) so that you can make it to your audition an hour and half away (in traffic) for some small role in a film that no one has or ever will hear of...let alone see. 

That said, despite my best efforts to share these realities, I always got that feeling that no one really ever 'got it.' So now I've found a new way to share the truth, with pictures...after all, they are worth a 'million' words.

Exhibit A: The Sneaker: While in a 8x8 room rehearsing my 'improv' skills (which in reality sorta defeats the whole idea of 'improving') I noticed something sticky on the bottom of my shoe. I stopped to remove the item only to realize that the item, was actually  a portion of my shoe coming off. IT had had enough.

Exhibit B: The Boot: After spending the evening in an air conditioned sneaker, I woke up the next morning, without a worry as I knew I could always slip my foot into my trusty and comfy casual boots. Fast forward to working the desk at job #2, I look down while answering some mundane questions on the phone to find this...

While the tear was not located in the sole of my shoe, it still made a hefty impact on my walking skills that day...and ego.

So, ladies and gentlemen, while I appreciate your admiration for me and my 'Living the Dream' I hope this brings some awareness into the reality of it all. And while all of this 'Chasing' may get exhausting from time to time...to both me...and my shoes, I'll continue to keep on keeping on.

Dating - Top Ten

Top Ten Things You DON'T Want to Hear When You're Dating

1) Can you drive....I don't have a car, or a license
2) I totally get politics
3) This is my daughter
4) Girl "Is that your roommate that just came home?" Guy "No it's my mom"
5) I LOVE you (said on first date)
6) You're pro-choice right?
7) You remind me of my sister
8) Its just a rash
9) That's just the scar from my sex change operation
10) You're birth control has been recalled

*Special shout out to Jamie Gaul for chiming in.